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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Concepts, ideas and basic world info from the setting spawned by Tess and Jenn's dreaming...

Reincorporated States (RINCS): A society descended from the largest continuous fragment of the old North American nation-states, reorganized and rebranded in the wake of significant climate and social disruption. The Union is situated around the Great Lakes and Hudson Bay, occupying portions of the former US and Canada. It is a weird blend of repressive and pluralistic, simultaneously authoritarian and permissive. Its economy is industrialized and requires a large land area with room to grow and restructure as needed. Much of the land it uses must be left fallow, or used only carefully. Pejorative: "rinks"; used dismissively by outsiders and self-amusedly by citizens.

Zakiri Pantropist Collectives: A catch-all designation for the many independent and allied Zakiri societies throughout North America. Very large, regionally-aligned groups of collectives are known as Conferences. There are six major Conferences in North America, each relatively isolated from the others. Apart from the big six, there are thousands of smaller, non-aligned Zakiri collectives, ranging in size from bands or small villages to a few entire cities or ecozones. Most of those which are not aligned with the local Conference do so for ideological reasons, or because they are too remote for anything but a symbolic relationship. The economies and social institutions throughout the ZPC vary tremendously, but all are dependent upon advanced, open-source biotechnology and could be characterized as loosely anarcho-socialist. Pejorative: Zeeks for anyone perceived as Zakiri, used only in an insulting fashion by URS citizens. 

Zoners: Pejorative term for the inhabitants of any of the independent Metroplexes dotting the map (thusly-named for the "Exclusion Zone" surrounding each city). During the Collapse, the Regional Authorities preserved small pockets of order, using the crisis to spur increasing independence and over time creating a loose network of high-tech city-states, each run by a relatively distant oligarchy of government and corporate networks. They could be thought of as Walled Garden civilizations; most are self-sufficient for basic survival needs but their high-tech infrastructure requires frequent access to relatively scarce materials.

Collapse, the: A period of tremendous social upheaval and natural disaster, culminating in armed conflict that devastated the global economy and most large nation-states about thirty years ago. 

Regional Authority: In the time leading up to and during the Collapse, many of the old great power countries found that their national governments were simply unable to cope with the strain -- tightening the reigns of central power frequently proved ineffective, or spurred backlash inflicting greater cumulative damage than the initial crisis itself. In other cases, even the unified and well-directed force of the state apparatus was simply unwilling or unable to meaningfully understand and respond to the problems facing the country. The Regional Authorities came into existence around this time, delegated by trade organizations and international regulatory bodies or even just outright handoffs of power to private or semi-private organizations. The Regional Authorities, tasked initially with assisting in local stability, in practice wound up isolating "fortress cities" and "zones of interest" from the chaos around them, then didn't bother devoting resources to solving the problems themselves. Many themselves collapsed or gave way to social disorder within their jurisdiction, but even so many survived. While they maintained high standards of living and positively bountiful technology for those living under their control, in most cases there was not even a pretense of democracy or eventual transition to a more open system. Today the Regional Authorities have mostly disappeared, their members settling down to run the Metroplexes. 

Zakiriyyah: A social, cultural and political movement based around the theories and writings of Zakir Khalid Hassani, a Pakistani-American ecologist and radical. The adjective form is Zakiri; this term may be used for anyone who lives by such theories or supports them philosophically. Zakiriyyah is primarily a secular philosophy, although it is not antagonistic to religion, and concerns itself more with political and social philosophy, as well as economics and technology. Zakiri philosophy shares elements with both Communism and Anarchism (in that it considers class struggle a significant historical force and specifies a classless, stateless, non-hierarchical voluntary society as the most desireable outcome of history for those in the lower classes) but avoids using their language or explicit references to Marx, Bakunin or other significant figures of those movements. It does not call directly to violent revolution; instead, it advocates the development of seperate lifeways, cultures, and peoples independent of state or corporate patronage. Much of the language of Hassani's writing references biological systems and evolution; it is very explicitly pro-biotechnology and open-source, and strongly advocates "morphological freedom" and pantropy (adaptation to a hostile environment) as a response to the capitalist system. Over time, it has caught on with those groups most-excluded or exploited by their societies, and created a degree of solidarity between Zakiri movements that have contact with one another. 

Central Conference, the: The largest (in terms of population) Zakiri Conference in North America, located in the Great Central Desert (composed of territory formerly belonging to both the US Southwest and the now-vanished Great Plains). The Central Conference is prosperous but faces considerable challenges due to both its large population, and ongoing tension with both the RINCS and the nearby Metroplexes. It is considered especially vulnerable due to the large number of settled cities or towns critical to its economy, and the difficulties coordinating such a large population without a hierarchical command base. The Central Conference gets around this problem with peer-to-peer networks for certain social institutions, which incorporate some reputation-based consensus decisionmaking. It is clumsy and somewhat difficult to coordinate, but its advantages lie in its resilience, adaptive speed and scalability. Both the military and large regional councils are administered this way. Everyone complains, but it works, and it's generally agreed to be much more fair and desirable than even a democratic non-consensual hierarchy.

Associated States: RINCS diplomatic term for any of the other neighboring industrial societies that bear more similarity to it than either the Zakiri Collectives or the Authority Metroplexes. Quite a number of these exist, and they all trade with the RINCS and with one another. Few are very big or noteworthy at a continental level, though.

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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

A good friend of mine coined the term "commuter" to describe my propensity for visiting consistent, fleshed-out cities in semi-lucid dreams. I'm apparently not the only one she knows; people who've followed my LJ and had access to some of my filtered posts may remember my posts about St Nelle from a couple of years ago.

This morning, as I was stirring awake, I managed to quietly mumble to myself that the city I'd seen in the last night's dreams was the same as I'd been visiting in many other dreams for the last few months. The layout of the place appears to be consistent; for a while I'd assumed it was a dream-version of Seattle because, like that city, it's situated on a series of large, steep hills (small mountains in some cases) and that's pretty much how Seattle looks from the open spaces where you can get a good view. However, a lot of the details just weren't adding up.

Like the old, disused streetcar tunnel, surrounded on all sides by what used to be a long complex of underground factories and light industry. Disused for decades, it became part of the city's seedy underbelly for a while, then increasingly a refuge for squatters who turned it into a thriving underground market and series of apartments. Over time it's become one of the city's most celebrated venues; while portions of The Underground Market have begun catering to tourists (both foregin and locals who think of going there as slum-diving), the majority of it exists by and for the many people who don't fit -- an alternative, nearly-independent economy tolerated by the powers that be for the cultural richness it provides, and widely considered off-limits to outside jurisdiction. The people there are a real stew of diversity -- the descendents of all the disenfranchised, prosperous in the place their ancestors went to simply get out of the rain. And of course, a fair number of hipsters and altie or artsy types, grudgingly tolerated at the margins of the Market so long as they don't get too obnoxious (and keep bringing in the money). There are apartments retrofitted into some of the upper levels of the tunnel, and supposedly more in the sublevels (where outsiders typically aren't allowed to go at all).

Or the axial hill, larger and steeper than most of the ones in Seattle, with North and South slopes alike forming countless cities in miniature up and down it it.

 

leakinglavender: (Default)
 Last night, during my very bizarre and cartoon-esque dream (which flitted rather pointlessly from incoherent sequence to incoherent sequence), I spotted the word "apophenia" painted in red letters on some bit of the foreground. When I woke up, I didn't know what the word meant.

*checks wiki*

Ha ha, brain.
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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

I think I tried making New Year's resolutions a few times when I was younger, but it didn't get very far. Later I jumped on the cynical bandwagon and declared that it was a silly gesture, given most people usually don't keep theirs for all that long, and why not focus on being a better person the whole year round? 

I, of course, did not bother to take the very medicine I was prescribing there. And I like to think that if I've grown at all over the past few years, it's thanks to becoming a less-cynical (or at least, less baselessly-cynical -- healthy pessimism is perfectly fine >>), more-disciplined person. So this year I will eat my own words and try both setting some general resolutions, *and* work on them in an ongoing way for as long as possible. I may not make it to the end of the year (Winter Solstice 2011), but I *will* check in on at least a monthly basis to see how I'm doing with that, and ideally share some of the results (where they're newsworthy and appropriate) on this journal.

With that said, here are my ideas so far -- additional suggestions thoughts, comments and questions, especially from those who know me well, are quite welcome. 

 

1. Create more.

Work on the novel (could use a wordcount-tracker...anybody know a good one?). Work on the other writing projects you've been paying attention to. But don't stop there -- learn to draw again. Learn to draw better. Play with clay. Take out that knitting beginner's kit and see if someone can help you figure out how to stitch. Do body art with your color supplies. Record your worldbuilding ideas in the relevant wikis regularly. Break out the easel and watercolors Tess has had lying around and try your hand at painting. Learn a craft of some kind. Tend your garden, and plan it better this time. 

2. Get your homework done.

Plan a routine, identify places you can study outside the home. Write your homework papers before you focus on any other kind of writing -- your wrists can only do so much in a day. Find study buddies, both from school and in your life -- people who you can feel accountable to for getting the work done alongside. Ask your family for help with this whenever you need it. Be flexible about where and how you get studying done. And most importantly, get your disability services handled ASAP so you have some extra breathing room.

3. Be a better friend. 

Call, write, or visit each of your friends more (as appropriate). You may have less free time because of school, and that makes it all the more important to keep track of the people in your life who you aren't dating. Make some new friends. Dust off your OKCupid profile. Keep in touch with the friends far away, too. Note: Don't overextend yourself, or feel pressured to give more of your time to other people than you can afford. 

4. Take care of yourself.

Get your teeth dealt with, at least as much as possible. Make it to your doctor appointments on time. Keep up with your therapist. Monitor your depression and how it responds to your psych meds. Hit the gym three times a week and the yoga studio at least once (twice is better). Keep monitoring the way you consume. Be more choosy about what you consume. Build more meals around fresh veggies. Walk to more places whenever you have the energy.

I think I could use a #5, but this'll do for now. 

Some links

Dec. 20th, 2010 01:11 am
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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Body Ritual Among the Nacerima

Anthropologist, heal thyself? A fascinating account about the inscrutable behaviors of an exotic people. Should've worked "wholistic" in there somewhere. ;p

Worst Case Scenario for Global Warming

This prognosis, if accurate, is pretty scary to me -- social inequities deepen, refugee numbers skyrocket, economies are hit hard, governments are likely to respond with increasingly-authoritarian measures in the name of self-preservation. And that's just the human side -- on an ecological level, we lose more and more biomass and biodiversity as the Holocene Extinction accelerates, and specialists give way to generalists squabbling over ever-shrinking niches, and a huge portion of the genetic solution space becomes inaccessible, further weakening the biosphere...

 Robots Designed by Genetic Algorithm

On the other hand, the machines are catching up all the time. I'm sort of tickled that the novel-in-progress called this. ^^

Open Database of Endangered Languages

This is good news -- hopefully it will be of assistance with language revitalization, not just research...

Map of Asia Before The Mongol Empire

Found this while flitting about after watching a decent biopic of Ghengis Khan (though it does take a few historical liberties).

 

 

 

 

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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

http://lesswrong.com/lw/3h/why_our_kind_cant_cooperate/

A discussion that sorely needs having in the set of all subcultures and communities that value or practice rationality as a goal. 

One of the reasons I've grown increasingly alienated from such groups as I've grown older is that they seem to be predominantly oriented around individual thoughts and activities, with little community implied beyond "we're all here talking". More like a business meeting than a community proper, as it were. This is in addition to the very strongly-Libertarian* skew many of these circles have; they tend not to be very good spaces if you're conscious of (and negatively affected by) overt displays of privilege and/or denial of same. Basically it's all very atomized, much like the society it's taking place in, and that's something I've been trying to get away from in my life -- the mindset that this is "normal" (rather than just prevalent), and the overt valuation of such behavior.

Some of this differs from place to place -- I've observed that one of the key differences between, for example, transhumanist groups in Europe vs North America is that the European groups tend to be a lot more socially and politically diverse, whereas in North America the most visible and organized sections and big names are usually fiscal conservatives, anarcho-capitalists or Objectivists (in their backgrounds if not currently -- Jamais Cascio, who blogs at Open the Future, is a notable exception). However, this sort of thing is prevalent in all such subcultures I've been involved with, and it bothers me because it feels like it's leaving out a sizeable majority of humanity, when the issues at hand are ostensibly of significance (if only abstractly) to all of them. As I've said elsewhere, if I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your Singularity, and if your social and technological ideals fail to make sense in the context of, say, Liberia or Uzbekistan, then I'm going to question how generally applicable your ideas (and by extension, the ethics behind those choices) really are.

 I always feel a bit self-conscious in writing about this because I actually place enormous value on individual rights and freedoms, but am unconvinced by the notion I've heard so often: "There is no society, only individuals (and families)." That hasn't been a meaningful statement for most of human history, it's still not meaningful for much of humanity *now*, the lifestyle that makes this attitude seem viable has only been possible thanks to seriously exploitative practices levied against much of the world, and I can't agree that it's a desireable goal either.

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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

My stubborn refusal to journal about anything cannot be defea--

Aw, darn it.

Life has been treating me well recently. In no particular order, there has been lots of quality time with Tess, meeting and getting along with a metamor I'd been nervous about, lunch with a friend, and Trice flying into the country. Further up the scale have been getting my first term back to school paid for, and making headway on getting student loans out of default.

--

Last night I dreamed I was reading a guide to the lives of people in the future (which THEIR far-future descendents had sent back in time for us to read), and the tremendous lifespans they had (150 years was considered normal, most of them hale and well as the afflictions of senescence had eased). This was attributed to their clean, yet biotically-rich living conditions and the absence of harmful substances in air, water and soil. As I looked away from the screen I held in my hand (it could project its small images directly onto the retina) a woman sat next to me, looking ancient and very depressed. She was supposed to be an ancestor of mine, though not any living relative I have met in my lifetime, and though she was old enough to have skin bronzed by a lifetime of sun and long white hair peppered with streaks of clinging gray, she and I began to talk, at once relieved and miserable. Hugging her supportively, I whispered "It's good to know that there will be happy, healthy people after..." and paused, thinking about the world we live in "...after the end of all this madness." We both cried at living in a world ravaged by poison, where people's lives were valued less than numbers on paper. I cried for her, lost and unwanted in this world and all that she had known and loved gobbled up, killed or destroyed forever -- and she for me, her great-to-the-nth granddaughter growing up in such a world, and bound to die before this wistfully-glimpsed future could come to pass.

--

Can't wait to see Trice. Am all nervous and apprehensive at the thought of this turning tangible. Excited also. Won't be long now.

--

Have decided to stop casual-swearing. Not so much mortified or inhibited as just experimenting with shifts in speech and thought, and curious about the effects of this one.

Linketies

Nov. 22nd, 2010 11:43 pm
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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Firefly looking at the Milky Way

Aww. Thank you, Jiawen.

Let's rescue the race debate

Good article. Additionally linked for the quote "denial may be the new normal", which has been running through my head lately about any number of topics.

Speaking of denial, this is why self-styled "climate skeptics" really piss me off. 

Worrying about global climate change is not hand-wringing over some imaginary future Waterworld. People are *already* dying because of this. The people who are dying so far are not the people responsible, either. My fear is that these deniers, who tend to be the most culpable people on the planet (Americans, Canadians, Australians and Europeans who've been able to really enjoy the fruits of their economic bounty) won't fade from significance until long after we've begun feeling it too.

Framing the deficit

Here in the US (and increasingly elsewhere in the Anglosphere), it's a popular notion that the budget is unsustainable and our governments simply spend too much. In promoting this seemingly-reasonable meme, the fiscal right has glossed over the fact that we don't want to *pay* for entitlements, and also called upon the false intuition that government budgets work the same as family ones do. This article concentrates on the former problem, but I find it scary how many people fail to understand the latter. The government *creates* the money supply; indeed, it shapes the economy profoundly even in our ostensibly conservative country. It has options and abilities here that simply don't translate to a household planning how to spend their limited income.

HIV mutates into audible strain

This is unspeakably cool in a shivery way. 


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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

One of the constantly vexing things about life is there's no do-over button. Things you say and do are forever committed to the memory record, even just as emotional impressions in others. It makes it very hard to shake off the self-hatred and try again later for a different result.

Because I feel fake, somehow -- like my desire is simply to be forgotten for what I've done, not remembered as someone different. The mere fact that this dissonance exists, between how I want to present myself and behave and, well, be...and how I actually seem to come across to people, just makes me want to disappear. 

One of the side effects seems to be a serious trust deficit on my part, even with those I love dearly. Deep down I don't really get why they stay with me, and so I don't take much comfort in the fact that they do, or that they put up with so much from me. Instead of reading those as signs that something is going right, I instinctively treat it as a mystery so profound that it can't be relied upon. 

Which is a really shitty way to treat the people you love.

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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

The problem, ultimately, isn't that I've failed to live up to society's messed-up standards. Not to downplay the damage a lifetime of negative signalling can wreak on an ego. Or the abusive nature of the system itself. 

But on some level, the reason I find it so easy to hate myself is that I see a version of me, whom I wish I resembled more, and who never seems to be all that terribly far out of reach...yet persistently eludes my attempts to live that way.

She has more self-control and discipline. She's fitter because of that, and more emotionally stable to others. She doesn't give up as easily as I do. She's more compassionate. She spends less time on verbose blathering when trying to make a point. And she's one hell of a lot more secure in herself. Her adaptability is an asset, not a pathological behavior.

It doesn't seem so difficult, yet I consistently fail to be this person. 

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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Thinking some more about the whole idea of getting a teaching degree.

Worries:

1. I'm not a great people person. 

Someone always disagrees with me on this. I don't think of myself as particularly socially-graceful, but it's true I've learned a bit since becoming an adult, and when my energy reserves are alright, I'm friendly and seem to leave a good impression with others. With the right people, this works in a more general way too. 

The problem is, not all people are going to be "the right people", and my energy reserves tend to get depleted rapidly. At the start of any given volunteering session (three-hour classes), I'm usually in a good mood and happy to be there. By the end, I am desperately wishing I could teleport home, without having to endure the bus ride. What's more, if I am very stressed already, or the people I'm meeting aren't the sort with whom I get along naturally and easily (and most people are not), then there is an especially high chance of faux pas or just encountering my own failure modes. 

This is an issue because being a teacher basically means working with people from the early morning until late in the day, with only a few breaks throughout. At my current level of functioning, I cannot do that for more than a few hours at a time, ideally once a day (or twice at most) and only a couple times a week.

2. I'm visibly trans.

This varies from day to day and seems to depend heavily on the viewer (but I note that the only people who are predisposed to read me as anything else are those who were positively-disposed towards trans people in the first place). I get harassed in the street on a fairly regular basis, and if nothing else my height makes it hard to just blend in no matter how I present myself. I'm going to get noticed for my height, one way or another, and that brings with it heightened scrutiny because most people aren't used to a woman this tall. 

To some extent, I don't worry about the students. It could certainly come up, but I figure the station as a teacher gives me some broad latitude to deal with any trouble there. No, what worries me is parents, particularly here in the Midwest but really just in general wherever I might find myself in four years. An awful lot of people who are willing to put up with us existing get very touchy about us having any contact whatsoever with children (I remember receiving a lot of looks from shocked parents when I worked with 3-5 year olds in a daycare center, but it was a very pluralistic college campus in the Northwest and my natural manner with the children seemed to help). I am far from optimistic about a school board, PTA or other deciding body defending me in such a situation, regardless of what the law may ostensibly be. If nothing else, such a controversy might make it ridiculously hard to search for work elsewhere.

There's also just the fact that I might not get hired in the first place, because of school administrators playing out the above scenario mentally or just having similar concerns. Magically, I'd just find there weren't too many second interviews forthcoming. And then I have to face having gone into debt with Tess to get a college degree I can't even use.

3. I'm not sure if this field is a good match for me.

To some extent you can't know that until you get in, but I do have some additional concerns: my health leaves me needing some extra latitude around time off. I invariably use any sick time I have available, and in previous jobs have occasionally had to find someone to cover me on short notice. I can't imagine being a schoolteacher will be anything less than demanding of perfect or near-perfect attendance; on some level I'm afraid that I need more leeway than the job can really afford to grant. 

That said, a regular schedule is beneficial in other ways. It tends to give me structure and rythm to my time, which helps tremendously. When I'm given room to make my own hours, I find it's harder to use them effectively. A consistent schedule would certainly give me some structure.

I'm wondering if it might be a good idea to have an alternative pathway in mind. It's just kind of hard to figure out what...

Thoughts

Sep. 26th, 2010 07:37 pm
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Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Contemplative today.

--

Feedle was in town this past week; he took me out for lunch (twice!) and we spent a lot of time just talking. He's always been someone I wanted to feel easier around; between my own personal issues when we knew one another in Portland, and the fact that we were on the periphery of one another's social circles rather than deeply enmeshed in them, it never really happened. Got some wonderful cuddling in too. It was interesting, reconnecting not just with a friend, but with my past and the places I'm from. 

--

Have been tremendously homesick recently. Fall here is comforting, and I actually enjoy a Minnesota winter more than most people, but as the election season approaches (with increasingly-visible displays of local politics) and the weather messes with my moods, I start to grasp just how far away Home is. I miss the Pacific ocean dearly, right now, and the sight of mountains every direction I look. I had a dream recently that I was just walking along Manzanita Beach in Oregon...

--

Fall is making me all domestic. Tonight's improvised pasta with cream sauce and andoille sausage (steamed artichokes on the side) was rather inspired; pumpkin soup and pie are coming soon, and Marion and Tess enjoyed my homemade spice cider. Should try my hand at Challah again this year...

--

Been a little bit worried about school plans -- the complications of being a teacher while trans are making me wonder, partly because I get harassed in the street a fair bit. Between having a negligable wardrobe budget (helloooo, fixed income...), questionable fashion sense (helloooo, inexperience) and some quirky sensory issues with clothing (helloooo, autism) just finding clothing in my sizes is unbelievably difficult, and passing is something I can't ever completely rely on thanks to being 6'2''. 

I'm not getting down on myself here (seriously, I know I can self-flagellate with the best of them but this is probably not the time to tell me to buck up, because anxiety isn't the primary driver) -- this is a serious practical concern for me. It would really suck to have a degree and wind up basically unemployable in the field anyway...

leakinglavender: (Default)
 
MaRita

Hey

What you up to?

12:28amMe

Brooding.

 
12:28amMaRita

Oh

12:29amMaRita

Thats not good

12:30amMe

World seems pretty fucked right now.

 
12:30amMaRita

Yeah and

12:30amMe

I sort of care about that, I guess.

 
12:31amMaRita

Well we got got to die sometime

12:31amMe

Sure. But we seem bound and determined to take everyone down with us.

 

And it didn't have to happen like this.

 

That's the part that sticks in my craw.

 

And the best most people can seem to muster in response to that is fatalism.

 

And that's the really fucked part.

 
12:32amMaRita

Nope, but everyone wants what they want and not a one of them stopped to think that what they were doing could be cause serious harm to others down the road

12:32amMe

Jung was right -- there's a collective unconscious, and it's got a death wish.

 
12:33amMaRita

Okay

12:33amMe

As I said -- I'm brooding.

Some News

Aug. 20th, 2010 04:07 pm
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In no particular order:

-Have just placed my defaulted student loans into Rehabilitation; we were able to work out an affordable monthly payment and after nine months, I will be out of default, have an improved credit score, and be eligible for the usual sorts of deferment due to school and hardship, as well as financial aid generally.

-DESPITE using <birthname> throughout the necessary calls, the agents all gendered me female. Ha. That's actually kinda awesome.

-Tess will be sending me back to school at MCTC next January; I'll be starting a degree in Education (which transfers to Metro State after two years to finish up a B.S. in Urban Education and teaching license -- I'll be doing the life science program. Which means I'm gonna be a biology teacher -- right, no surprises there.) Hopefully, financial aid will kick in before too long and I can avoid going to far into debt with Tess -- it should be no more than one or two semesters before I can fall back on that again.
 

leakinglavender: (Default)
 Day 04: What I Ate Today
 
Today has been a culinary delight.
 
Unfortunately, I lack the energy and wherewithal to go into great detail tonight, so this will be a brief entry. 
 
Breakfast: A delicious Tess-made meal of soy chorizo and zucchini bread.
Lunch: Chicken tikka, small chicken sandwich. I wanted for protein after a long walk, plus getting more exercise lately seems to encourage that craving.
Dinner: Tess's homemade vegetarian pizza (have I mentioned how damn lucky I am to have that woman in my life?), with some raspberry frozen yoghurt after and a taste of the coconut-milk icecreamlike substance I picked up at the co-op today.
Snack: A nibble of dark chocolate from Trader Joe's, more zucchini bread.
 
So yeah, today has been very good. On top of all that I bought some thoroughly-lovely hairbrushes, having decided to take my hair seriously now (I've got a bit of a goal I'm working toward). I also got some henna-and-indigo hair dye. That's right, time for a color change. 
leakinglavender: (Default)
It's a long story. )
 
Hmm. There's a couple people on here who could qualify. Tasha (not her real name) was important to me, and I loved her, but we didn't really have much of a relationship until years after we met. Maria (again, not her real name) was the first person I found myself picturing a future with, and my first long-distance relationship. It was also the first time I learned some important things about myself, although they did spell the end of our involvement. 
 
But...if I think about the first person I knew who showed me something like affectionate, romantic love, and vice versa, I think of Kaye (ditto).
 
Kaye and I met in high school, around the same time I met Tasha. Most of our required classes placed us together (we were together in Biology and Ecology both, as well as several English classes), and she decided to sit with me one day because, in her words, I "seemed like a nice person, but always alone." We became very close, very quickly, and would have lengthy phone calls with each other on weekends. She and I never saw each other at lunch, but always had breakfast together in the cafeteria when we got there early enough. In my second year, we went on a field trip for Ecology, and she told me she loved me on the bus ride over. 
 
I'd never met someone so straightforward about something like that, before. At the time I think I mostly smiled awkwardly when she said it, but I happily cuddled with her on the bus ride home when she leaned over to snug me. I'd had infatuations by this point, and crushes, but had never really considered Kaye as someone terribly special before then, beyond being about the first friend I'd ever had. She was definitely beautiful and attractive to me, but not really someone I'd considered pursuing. 
 
(And here I'm going to take a break and feel a bit choked up -- all of this occurred long before transition was even a thought in my mind, and yet as I look back I can't help and try to imagine how things might've gone, if we'd ever have even met, and what our relationship would be like if I'd been living as female back then.)
 
Kaye was an excellent writer, a passable artist and someone who saw beauty in just about everything around her. She was shy and yet very demonstrative with her friends, and one of the more compassionate people I've known. When we met, she'd been dating a guy I vaguely knew and so I didn't bother with wondering if we might start. We continued to grow closer, however.
 
Kaye and I eventually began spending more time together outside of school. She'd visit my place, we'd go for long walks or just hang out at the park. I tried visiting her church with her once, which was an illuminating experience. Kaye was black, and her family went to a predominantly black Baptist church in North Portland. I was going through my own brief, but intense case of Christianity at the time, and went to a mostly-white (about 2/3 of the congregation) church across town. I'd always noticed some fairly different approaches to devotion within the congregation based on race (only a white choir can say "Hallelujah" without making it sound like "hallelujah", to paraphrase Eddie Izzard), but Kaye's church showed me an entirely more passionate and intense take on the whole thing. It felt more personal, more real, and the way people interacted after the service just a whole lot more deep than what I'd seen elsewhere. I felt welcomed by the church and the pastor, but not especially by Kaye's mother (can't necessarily blame her for being suspicious), and I never got invited again. 
 
Not too long thereafter, Kaye came out to me as bisexual. It seemed to be giving her a lot of trouble, and her boyfriend at the time broke up with her over it. This was the beginning of a troubled phase in her life. You see, while Kaye was always supportive and caring toward others, she withheld an awful lot of her own troubles from people, and seldom confided in anyone (except, I later found out, myself). She seemed to lose friends, I gather her family turned on her a bit, and she began having trouble in school.
 
Kaye had always been there for me, and I didn't know what to do except continue being friends with her. I loved her dearly, and probably would've done anything for her. It's fair to say I was also more than a bit smitten with her by this point, but...I dunno. Unlike most crushes I've had, this didn't create a conflict of interests. I never told her that my feelings for her had gotten beyond merely friendly.
 
Unfortunately, that's about the time I was hospitalized during a mental health crisis. They didn't send me back to high school after that -- I was sent to a day treatment facility instead, for the next couple of years. Kaye's number changed sooner or later, and we lost touch for years. It was a pretty rough time in my life. Eventually, I got out of there, tested for my GED, and began taking classes at the local community college. 
 
This story has a somewhat sweet ending, although with just a hint of sadness.
 
One day, years later and by sheer coincidence, we ran into each other on Halloween. There were hugs and she asked if I was doing anything that evening. She had a party planned, although it turned out there wasn't really anyone invited except her roommate. She asked if I was free and we wound up catching the bus together, shopping and heading out to her place to prepare. 
 
Kaye had responded to a tough life by becoming a tougher person, but even then I could see the stress and forcible maturity brought on by what she'd been through. Although she hadn't lost her kindness, her creativity or her honesty, I could see a bit of sadness and weariness in those eyes that day. We went back to her place and watched movies until the roomie went to bed, then sat up late talking for hours. 
 
About our lives. About high school, how confused and messed-up we both felt by everything. And then about our friendship, and the years we'd spent together in our teens.
 
Eventually, it got to be very late. Kaye invited me to stay the night, and by this point I'm sure you can guess what happened. It...was nice. My first experience with anyone, and something we'd both apparently been wanting for a long time. Awkward, certainly, and unexpected, but a very nice surprise and an unexpected affirmation of the feelings we'd had for each other even then.
 
We talked about having a date, a week from then...but I think on some level, neither of us knew entirely how to process what had happened. We didn't repeat the encounter, or deepen our relationship further, and after a few months she stopped calling.
leakinglavender: (Default)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

I want to write more. I know the best way to get myself back in the habit is to just write a lot in general. So, to help, I'm enlisting the 30-Day meme (thank you, Gloria!). From now until September 02, I'll be making a post every day on a specific topic. Here's the complete list:

--

Day 01 – Introduce yourself

Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail

Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail

Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail

Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail

Day 06 – Your day, in great detail

Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail

Day 08 – A moment, in great detail

Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail

Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail

Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail

Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail

Day 13 – This week, in great detail

Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail

Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail

Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail

Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail

Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail

Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail

Day 20 – This month, in great detail

Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail

Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail

Day 25 – A first, in great detail

Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail

Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail

Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail

Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail

Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail --

 

Great. I've always been awkward at introductions. Commence long-winded rambling.

 

Well, if you're reading this at all you probably know at least a bit. I go by Pazi, regardless of how we're communicating. My legal name is one I chose, although I only use it for interfacing with the formal parts of my life (which are few) and with blood relatives. "Pazi" doesn't mean anything in particular and wasn't taken from any existing language; it's just a nice set of syllables. An identically-pronounced name exists in both Hebrew and in Ponca Sioux; it purportedly means "golden" in the former and "yellow bird" in the latter. I didn't know about either of these names when I chose to call myself "Pazi."

 

I'm from the Pacific Northwest, having grown mostly along the I-5 corridor and several other areas west of the Cascade Mountains. My family's economic status jumped rapidly and frequently between "lower middle class" and "poor"; my parents were divorced when I was five and the extended family had peculiar ideas about blood being thicker than water. I've never quite gotten along with most of my blood relatives, although I do try for the sake of those I care about (my parents and sister). I don't think anyone in my consanguinal family save for a single grandparent has identified as anything other than white for a few generations back. 

 

 I identify as disabled, transgendered, queer and autistic/aspie. I wasn't given a standard education due to the disabled and autistic bits, although I aced my GED exam as a young adult when I finally decided not to try and make up for lost time. I got into college, but between bad study habits, a perpetual lack of certainty about what I wanted to do with my education, financial problems and suddenly finding myself homeless in the middle of the term one year, I never did manage to finish school and now have some barriers to getting back in or receiving financial aid ever again. All of this adds up to make it very hard for me to get a job, although I'm not completely unemployable given I've been hired a few times in the last several years.

 

These days I live in Minneapolis with my not-legally-recognized-but-thoroughly-real spouse Tess and a neurotic, rescued cat. We have another partner who's living in Australia at this time and some very long-term plans around getting us all together. I've also got a couple of other partners, the newest of whom lives in the neighborhood and has become a very important part of my life as well. I don't have a job, try not to hold that against myself, and spend time volunteering as a tutor in ESL classrooms here in town. I love teaching and if I ever do get another shot at school, it's going to be part of my plan.

 

I'm an inveterate nerd. I read a lot of science fiction, love videogames and used to have aspirations of working in the field, and thoroughly immersed myself in science from an early age. As a teenager I developed a passion for linguistics as well, and nowadays I'm interested in just about anything you could imagine someone developing an obsessive passion over (and quite a few things most people can't). I also love it when people share their own obsessive passions, areas of expertise and suchforth with me, so at this stage I'm kind of a meta-geek -- I'm geeky about geeks, nerds and other creative/obsessive/explorative types. I think my primary focus is biology, though -- living things have always interested me more than just about anything else, and between reading voraciously and hands-on experience I've been able to compensate for many of the deficits in my education, though only around this single topic. 

 

I care a lot about social justice a lot, although I'm going through a period of figuring out how to integrate my reasons for that and the stuff I've learned with other areas of my life.

 

Politically, I don't classify well. I care about civil liberties a lot. I think equality of opportunity in society and the economy are more important than having the possibility of dizzying highs for some (that come at the cost of abyssal lows for others). I think people and society are systems whose output is to a great extent defined by the input; the higher on Maslow's hierarchy you sit at any given time T, the easier it is to contemplate transitioning to a higher step yet, or mitigate how far down you'll drop in an emergency.  I think that I live in a country with an uncommonly weak grasp on this, relative to the other countries most like it, but also feel the entire culture-complex from which those countries spring has only a fair-to-middling grasp on this at the best of times.

 

Also, I have purple hair.

 

Can I go now?

Thing

Jul. 25th, 2010 01:20 am
leakinglavender: (Default)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

I'm very bad at living in the present, sometimes.

 

With such a laundry list of anxieties and insecurities, it isn't too surprising. Much time gets spent angsting about the past, or worrying about the future. Especially the future -- all of my issues with self-worth, accomplishments and life situations get projected onto some hypothetical future self: "if I get to be X years older and A still hasn't improved, what does that say about me? How can I feel a justified sense of self-worth when I haven't yet done Y? If I haven't yet accomplished B despite all the effort put into it thus far, why should I think I ever will?"

 

It's  been affecting me pretty deeply, I begin to realize. I am beginning to confuse "managing to think about my past angst and future fear without getting depressed and self-loathing."

 

As if that was any kind of accomplishment. Either way I'm still not grounded, still not *here*. What does it really matter if I think about the future with deep-seated angst or quiet, stubborn hope? It's just as inaccessible to me either way, just as unformed, just as responsive (and resistant) to the events I set into motion (or don't) right here and now. 

 

It feels very, very broken, to be someone who cannot even figure out how to juggle wanting to change and wanting to accept oneself, and who keeps slipping off that balance onto either extreme. I don't really get what it's like to have a concrete goal or a five-year plan or any of that; every time I've tried to make such things for myself they either didn't map to reality at all, or just seemed self-evidently out of reach. 

 

I feel like a remora, lately -- it's a step up from being a parasite (and at least I give SOMETHING back), but it's still hard to shake the fact that all the major movements and directions my life takes are decided by some greater, more-capable, more-resourceful being who doesn't object to me hanging onto them.

leakinglavender: (Default)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

My ID came back, and it has the appropriate gender marker (phew!). Was a bit nervous waiting to find out if the paperwork from Multnomah County would be enough, but it looks like it was.

--

Went up to Grand Marais with Rachel a couple weeks ago -- she thought I needed to get out for a bit, and she was right. The Arrowhead is an awful lot like coastal Oregon in some ways -- verdant growth, lush pine forests, many small beach towns. Nice quiet cabin-time and beach-bumming, with a side order of road-tripping mixed in. I love the town of Grand Marais and exploring up there, and being so close to such a large body of water. It almost felt like home. Duluth was an interesting city, too, and I'd like to get out there again.

--

I'm very worried about one of my students. Her husband (who I've gathered has some rather regressive attitudes towards the role of women in a marriage) has turned abusive and forbidden her to leave the house, or come to school. She's very depressed, and there is some other leverage that makes seeking escape very untenable for her. It is not a simple situation at all, and there's probably little I can do to help, but I am trying to find out what kind of resources might exist to help someone in her situation. Even so, I may not be able to get that information to her. So worried for her...she's a geeky, expressive, clever and funny person whom everyone enjoyed, and had ambitions of being a teacher herself (which she loved doing in her previous country). It bothers me when any of my students fall on hard times, but...she's just someone it's hard to imagine the class without, and someone who (given our conversations and geeking out before classes together) I want to think of as a friend. It's hitting me pretty hard. I hope there's something that can be done to help her.

--

Got a *fake* "you are being sued" summons from a debt collections agency. I'm quite sure it's not real; the court database had no trial pending, and none of the requisite information like court date, judge (and judge's signature), and soforth is present. It's clearly just designed to panic the debtor into paying rapidly. The whole thing is remarkably shady. Trying to figure out what to do next -- I owe a debt to the party they say they're collecting for, but that's my sole basis for giving them any credibility here. And a perusal of both the collection agency and the law office they pretend to be suggests they pull a lot of shady crap like this.

--

Clothes have been succumbing to entropy all at once, suddenly. Probably summer's fault, but it's beginning to get very frustrating. It's inordinately difficult to find clothing I both want to wear and can afford. Losing the use of a bunch of garments all at once is a worrying prospect. I've got a skirt in the works with AJ, but I'm about to face a critical shortage of functional pants. Argh.

Ink

Jun. 29th, 2010 06:23 pm
leakinglavender: (Default)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

So, I got a tattoo.

 

It's been years since I wanted to get some body art done, but money has always been an issue. This year for my birthday Tess decided to help me out; we wound up splitting it about 50/50 (courtesy some birthday money from my mother). I hope all of you people on my reading list (most of whom are experienced hands at this) won't laugh too much at how big a deal this was to me.

 

Call it corny, but I've wanted to get a tattoo of Mothra for years. Not a butterfly, not "inspired by Mothra", but actually Mothra. Blame an upbringing light on traditional sources of religious mythology and heavy on Kaiju films, and five or so years spent as a Chaos Mage (the sum of which philosophy can be accurately rendered as: "what you revere doesn't matter; the effects it produces do"), but this is as close as I get to tattooing religious iconography all over my pasty atheist self. I even copied her god-symbol from some of the early films. There are plans to get her dark counterpart Battra as well, when money looks favorable again.

 

Being the first tattoo, I wanted to be able to look at it -- especially since I want it there as a reminder of things that are fairly important to me. After some thinking, I decided to place it above my right breast -- accessible, not entirely difficult to show without exposing myself but not visible to casual inspection either. Battra will go on the left eventually.

 

However, getting it was something of an adventure...

 

Tess, Marion (who at this point seems to have progressed to "new girlfriend" status; more on that later) and myself piled into the car during the peak of a tremendous thunderstorm. When I say "peak", well,conjure up images of sidewalks covered in water some places, and an average visibility of about two carlengths ahead at the best of times. It's a shitty time to drive, but ultimately what got us wasn't another motorist, but an inexplicably-uncovered manhole into which we drove. BAM. It was a close call -- flat tire, but no broke axle and no serious damage to anybody. We had half an hour to get to the studio, so I called to let them know we might be late or absent. Marion and I took up position behind the car to ward traffic away from Tess as she worked. Not fifteen minutes later, the tire was fine and we were away. Tess, incidentally, scored some serious "awesome lifepartner" points -- we got there three minutes *early*, before the tattoo artist.

 

After that there was some figuring out of details; Jake *nailed* the design, and although there was a problem with the symbol (if you'll pardon my fanspeak: the Heisei-era design which I'd picked has a circle that's difficult to render given the limits we had, but I picked the Showa version and solved it) it was soon resolved without even compromising the design. Jake went to go resize things while Marion and I tried to warm up a thoroughly-soaked Tess (who made an appointment to get her ears gauged up a few sizes).

 

Tattoo happened. The nervousness had long since given way to frazzled endorphin rush with a nice post-adrenaline twister. It was quite painful (especially in the places near my collarbone), but it was a rite of passage, and those often are. Using breath control, distracting conversations and selective use of breaks, I got through the entire outline (and will be going back to have it colored in two weeks from now). The afterglow was fierce! 

 

We stayed to get Tess's ears pierced, and Verno (the owner at Holy Mackerel) offered to do it for free if she could figure out what was going on with his computer. After the piercing, she played around with it while me, Marion, Verno and the receptionist chatted for a while. Tess fixed the problem, and Verno gave her not only the piercing but the jewelry for free!

 

Well, afterward we piled back into Riku (who was doing fine despite the spare tire's awkwardness) and got brownie mix to celebrate. Given the late hour, we invited Marion to stay the night. Then there was a long, lovely happy relaxed morning on Saturday as we simply recuperated from it all.

 

The downside: Now I can't wear a bra until this thing stops bugging me. And it just reached the itchy stage of healing.

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