Title Goes Here

[leakinglavender]

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

One of the constantly vexing things about life is there's no do-over button. Things you say and do are forever committed to the memory record, even just as emotional impressions in others. It makes it very hard to shake off the self-hatred and try again later for a different result.

Because I feel fake, somehow -- like my desire is simply to be forgotten for what I've done, not remembered as someone different. The mere fact that this dissonance exists, between how I want to present myself and behave and, well, be...and how I actually seem to come across to people, just makes me want to disappear. 

One of the side effects seems to be a serious trust deficit on my part, even with those I love dearly. Deep down I don't really get why they stay with me, and so I don't take much comfort in the fact that they do, or that they put up with so much from me. Instead of reading those as signs that something is going right, I instinctively treat it as a mystery so profound that it can't be relied upon. 

Which is a really shitty way to treat the people you love.