(no subject)

[leakinglavender]

 Still not over jet lag yet, but it's getting better. Unfortunately, a thunderstorm provided insomnia anyway.

I usually know these days when to keep participating in a reddit thread vs just ducking out. So noticing myself digging in heels and being stubborn about it in the last 24 hours is bleh. I think I just need any distraction from the blargh of close quarters, hot weather and bodily ickiness, and I'm not making very good decisions about where to find that.

Lots of self-questioning going on about a fairly important, albeit entirely personal issue.

School? In theory, yes. I may change my schedule around a bit from what it is right now, though. Need to go in and talk to financial aid. Not sure I'm up for that today -- some of the issue likely revolves around Social Security, and so I may not get much new information from just going in.

Noticing how emotional response patterns, territoriality and relationship psychology intersect for me leads me to feel a bit frustrated. I figured out some time ago that I do seem to have high-intensity versus low-intensity approaches to different people. It doesn't have to be representative of our actual relationship behavior, mind -- it's just about how my feelings toward the person and my response patterns when interacting with them lead me to prioritize them emotionally.

In context: Things are stressful at home due to cramped conditions, and I have to spend a lot of spoons to keep it at "crabby" rather than "chasing Marion out to preserve my boundaries", and it's hard to keep the accumulated frustration from leaking into our interactions directly. 

Zer situation isn't a great one, and as I don't want to see zer wind up on the street or something it's a mess. Which is being a big problem because, frankly: I have spent way too much of my life compromising my functionality and wellbeing in relationships. :\ The fact that there are some direct risks to life stability only makes it worse. 

I can't function in my home right now. I keep late hours here, but both rooms are occupied early in the evening by sleeping people, so if I have insomnia or jet lag is fucking with me I'm in a bad situation. I don't know how long I can make this work, either -- take a breath, calm down is the order of the day here. But it's still building up, and unfortunately my comfort in the relationship is suffering for it. Making the lack of shelter if ze's asked to leave not be my problem is...

Well, it feels cruel. I know it's not, exactly, but I've come close to slipping through the cracks, I hate to see it happen to others, and...I don't know how to make that play nice with the costly, at-length realization that I need to manage my boundaries a lot more carefully than I have in the past (something very valuable I got out of the trip to Australia) and that this is a really textbook example of a situation that aggravates that.

Ugh. Don't know what to do here.